Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day