Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”