Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.