Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*