“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
my professor scared me for a second
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.