THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops