Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word