Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
the clam before the storm
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
tinder is all about the long game
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.