Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Accurate
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality