Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m awake but I object,
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.