THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Don’t make me out nice you.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.