Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The news in a nutshell.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care