Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
This is the best one I’ve seen
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.