Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”