Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
the saddest jazz hands ever
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches