Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
that de-escalated quickly
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)