THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Pretty much. 🤣
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone