THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
You Might Also Like
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
mentally somewhere in italy
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors