Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*