WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.