Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.