THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA