Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I saw nothing
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
For the baby who has everything
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
they really do be looking like this
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”