THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.