therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.