Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
This will never not be funny 😭
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up