Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
According to math, I’m broke
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.