Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?