Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars