Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
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Lyonyl Rychye
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically