Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real