THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??