Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.