Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
What kind of a cult is this?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!