Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.