Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’m not proud
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My neck, my back, my…
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?