Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
You Might Also Like
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,