Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper