By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.