I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“i miss shittin on people”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.