The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Batman v Dracula
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
me, after any kind of buffet.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.