Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.