Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
You Might Also Like
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
OH. COME. ON.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
TRAIN’S HERE
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.