Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You Might Also Like
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?