THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.