THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
finally
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.