Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again