Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”