Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.