Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.